South Korean Trains / 16 May 2007
Don’t get me wrong I am no train spotter, they are useful, trains but I’m not a geek about them, & I hate anoraks, in fact the last time I even got close to an anorak I burned it & had to spend a month with a psychologist playing games with strange looking Lego .
I was nine years old, & it was my ex best friend Darren Jarvis pristine blue anorak, we were in my shed den, he was using a box of matches to burn the leg’s off spiders, he was a lot bigger and stronger than me at the time and despite my pleading wouldn’t stop, I was convinced the spider’s were sending telepathic messages to me begging me to make him stop, so I got out a match, struck it quietly & set fire to his nice new parker, he was wearing it at the time, his mum wasn’t very happy, but I think the spiders were.
Anyway, as I write this blog I have spent the last month here in Seoul, South Korea, I’m visiting my nice new animal loving TV friends and getting in some hardcore martial arts training at the same time.
It's got a lot going for it Seoul, the name for a start, kind of Harlem sounding, it’s cool isn’t it? but quite apart from it's booming film industry, wonderful spicy food, polite people & cutting edge emerging art and fashion scene, there’s not an anorak in sight, and, drum roll, above all,.................. it has trains that run on time. Mussolini would turn in his urn
I don't know if the trains super efficient scheduling & operations have anything to do with the fact that the average South Korean high school Kid has 3 black belt’s, and can personally design, make and fit the nano memory of 10 ipod's into a chip the thickness of a strand of human hair that has been divided lengthways 20 odd times or not, but run on time the trains do, and you can set your pacemaker by them.
What’s more the trains here are clean, spacious & safe, with big comfortable chairs and a ticket to another city 2 hours away costs the price of a Mc happy meal.
Don't get me wrong, I love London it's got to be the best city in the world, or one of them, pretty much everything that's good was invented in England and a good deal of it in London -Sherbet Dip, Cadburys Crème Eggs, light bulbs, Gin, vegetables and Toyota cars are but a few.
We even had the first underground system in the world, and probably invented transport, travel and 18-30 holidays, but our trains are fucking shoddy.
Graffiti is supposed to be witty, political or funny, not on London trains… they are full of 13 year olds autographs that I can't read, and badly drawn animations of cocks, tits or cunts, and they overcrowded with fearful sweaty people who are desperate to avoid eye contact for the fear of being stabbed in the crotch , they are overpriced too -a return from London to Manchester in the morning would cost more than an average days wage for a lot of high earning professionals such as doctors lawyers and plumbers - and to top it all off, the icing on the smelly yellow cake- a lot of our trains smell of piss. And no, Not just the ones that come back from Birmingham.
As for the well trained courteous staff, I’ve never seen one…..they always seem overworked and look exhausted, or hung over & I'm not sure if that's because of hard drinking, the long hours they work in the bowels of London, or, which is more likely the case, because of the asbestos dust the brakes spew out all over their sandwiches.
I mean have you ever seen one smile?
Let me know your views on our trains........
Stealing Children / 18 June 2007
Getting into odd people’s head’s quickly and seeing the world from their twisted perspective is a bit of an obsession of mine, I picked up the habit at drama school, after refusing to wear a leotard for ballet I was instead asked to imitate an animal of my choice, I chose a monkey because I’m quite hairy and thought it’d be easy, whereas my best mate at drama school who forgot his tights that day chose a gecko, I still don’t know why he chose a gecko but his impression of it feeding on small insects was second to none, he’s on the dole now.
Understanding the mind of the monkey & nowadays the man has become an awkward obsession but a handy skill when presenting my TV shows in far flung corners, but every now and again the addiction stops being fun and it turns a bit dark.
I am sure like me you are following with hope and fear the dreadful plight of the McCann’s missing girl Madeline, and this morning I started trying to understand why would anyone want to steal someone else's children?
Now, there is a vase sitting on the windowsill in my lounge that started me off today, It is a faded bronze mock Victorian looking thing and it has two proud cherubs, on it, Godly looking babies with wings floating through green bronze clouds, it was a gift, someone gave me for Christmas, it's pretty useless as vase's go because it's not deep enough to hold much water and it doesn't look good with flowers in either.
had I needed a vase, which I don't- it would be my last but one choice, coming in just before chocking to death on a batch of new potatoes.
This morning for the first time in the 3 years it's been gathering dust there I, got to looking at it in some detail, truth be told, I was wondering who I could give it to next Christmas? someone who hadn’t been to my house recently and so wouldn’t know it was my second hand tat.
But those cherubs got me seriously thinking, about children and babies and what’s going on with the McCann’s angelic looking daughter it’s weird to put wings on a baby, why on earth would someone think of doing that? And then are the authorities doing enough to help get her back, the angel child stolen from her room?
My Kung Fu Master was a wise old Buddhist Monk & he taught me not to look at things in black and white, he said that people who wrong do are of pure nature, but they rolled in the mud of life, and it is this mud, which can be cleaned but has not yet been removed- that makes their actions soiled.
This philosophy is not floored, I will give the vase to another for Christmas and blame my upbringing if they catch me out.
And like many, with all crimes, great or small I try and do my bit to be tolerant and understanding of the people who commit crimes, I do my best to offer a little comfort and forgiveness to the victim and to the perpetrator, because after all, both parties are victim's….. of circumstance.
But those cherubs got me riled this morning, where on earth did the idea of sticking wings on babies come from? If I could understand that perhaps another mystery of the human mind would reveal it’s self to me, So, is it because they are cute? mine certainly aren't, they look overfed and sea sick..., is it because they are Latin, Latin people love kids so they stuck wings on them because flying is good?.... probably not that reason either.
Then like a glorious sunrise over Spaghetti Junction it dawned on me, it is…. because they are innocent, they haven't rolled in the mud my master mentioned; their thought's & actions are pure. They are what enlightened adults aspire to spiritually be like. Untainted, pure, innocent.
That explains it, but offering understanding to people who hurt you is one thing, but I have been absolutely unable to get into the head of someone who nicks kids, Perhaps I am not compassionate, caring or liberal but it feels right to draw the line when it comes to children, I can not, and fuck it if this isn’t pc, but I will not offer any forgiveness, compassion to anyone who commits a crime against a child.
Any serious crime against a child such as abduction or sexual impropriety is without doubt the most unnatural thing one human can do to another; It’s so off the scale of right or wrong that I for one can offer no quarter to those who harm our children.
Kid's are pure, metaphysics won't change that.
Those winged babies are a message from our ancestors reminding us, that through the ages that has always and will always be the case.
Sick and in need of help the perpetrators may be, but to my mind there is only one proper cure.
If we as a nation, rightly or wrongly can find reason and resource's to war with another nation, why should we not war in absolute terms with the most heinous terrorists, the sick who prey on our young & innocent cherubs?
Friendly Fungus / 15 April 2007
Since writing about the secret of a good ragu sauce in my last blog I have had a lot of emails about mushrooms.
A nameless TV director I once worked with told me "Actors are like mushrooms, keep them in the dark and feed them shit" a, talented, sensitive soul.... and part time wife beating crack addict...That’s showbiz!
Let's face it though, we might not agree with his TV work ethic, but mushrooms are magic.... & I for one love the fungus,… and even though unlike humanity it does thrive in Birmingham like damp and dark weather conditions, what other food has such a range of flavors?
Some are meaty, others bean like and others fruity while their seductive textures range from slippery, crunchy and chewy to silky, melty and biscuit like, some even share the taste, texture & resemblance of mini mature deer penis'
Deer penis is good for backache when boiled in a soup, a misguided Chinese herbalist once convinced me. I ate nine of those full size nasty brown cocks and my back still aches, but I digress, as for the mushrooms, tell me, with such range and flavor what more could you want for in a additive to sauce’s?
Well, Many ancient cultures revere the mushroom with the highest regard and certainly in Latin marketplaces across the world you can find sprawling stalls dedicated to hundreds if not thousands of varieties of tasty shrooms.
Which brings me sharply back to the point, I lived in China for ten years and promise you, Chinese food is great, really great- but after living in China for even a year or two, I defy anyone not to crave the odd bit of Italian. After all, they say, Italians do mushrooms better.
15 years ago as a student at University in Beijing there were 2 western restaurants to eat at, and they were both well off my student budget radar, so if we fancied a night off the dog meat and cock with 10 year old rice plundered from the nuclear bunker below the local park, if we wanted some decent scran, well, we had to improvise.
It was out of those experiments of pure desperation during the Beijing years I discovered that you can substitute the very cheap and readily available dried Chinese mushrooms for Porcini in soups and sauces.
To be honest there isn't much difference between the two, except for the cost. A large bag of Chinese or Korean dried mushroom can be bought in most UK Chinatown store's for a pound or two, the equivalent amount of porcini might cost forty or fifty squid.
I can't vouch for the efficacy of deer penis soup, but for sauce’s I'd certainly recommend student prices shrooms.
Something for the weekend Sir? An Easy Workout / 06 May 2007
There are two schools of thought about physical training, the first, old school, is train hard like a Trojan – or at least till you vomit on your new tracksuit & pass out, the other is train for long term health.
Professional martial artist’s all go through fazes of doing both at different times, I know I have.
So with the passing of years and a little more wisdom under my fading black belt here is a breakdown of a nice easy workout that I really like. It’s not going to make you chunder cause it’s not taxing and it won’t take all day. I worked this formula with professional Thai Boxers when I was training in the Jungles of southern Thailand It worked for them, it worked for me. It’ll work for you, so if you are a professional athlete or just on the dole without a job It’s good for you too because you have the time to train twice in a day this and programme won’t overload you.
It’s rare to get a routine that ticks all the boxes for professionals & beginners too but this one does and because it makes you feel good and get's the body working, it inspires you to carry on week after week month after month, It's not at all taxing and doesn't burn you out or build you up too much, you go at your own pace which organically improves as you do.
Do it in the morning and It will it flush the mind & body and get it ready for the day ahead.
It's simple to learn & fun to perform not to mention it has very good self defense usage too.
For best results do it 5/6 morning s a week - after 2 weeks of this beginners to exercise and those coming back to exercise will show good results in overall health and performance. Blood pressure will lower, your heart and lung performance will increase and your self esteem will improve. And guys, because you are improving circulation and strengthening the abs your willy wonker will get much bigger! …FACT.
Boxers and martial artists have been using these methods of training the heart, lungs, body and mind for millennia, nowadays the theories behind the results might be known as interval or circuit training
Here's what you need.
1 hour of time
1 litre of water
3 minute egg timer
clear to read stopwatch
2 hand weights (or house bricks)
Skipping rope
boxing gloves
boxing wraps (to protect your wrists)
boxing bag (heavy bag full size is best but any will do).
Weights bar
Bench
SAFTY FIRST
Although this is a light work out it's always advisable to get a health check before you undergo any sort of training regimen and if you haven't done any martial arts or boxing before it's advisable to get a professional to show you how to throw a punch and kick properly so you don't injure your self.
Be sensible, don't forget to add your favorite stretches into the mix too.
Put on your wraps before starting so you don't need to break (you can learn how to do it easily in boxing books or on boxing web sites, or your trainer can show you- make sure they are not too tight but protective)
(This programme should be performed without any rest in-between & the last 1 minute of each 3 minute round is at 90% best intensity)
NOTE :
Time the skip with the stopwatch 20 mines, then use the 3min egg timer to turn over when you have the boxing gloves on, you won’t be able to adjust the stopwatch with the gloves on!
Warm up with 20 minute skip on the spot, (no stopping)
10 press-ups and sit-ups
SHADOW BOXING holding house brick or 2.5k weight
3 min round of weighted punching and kicking (any combo's)
10 press-ups and sit-ups
3 min round of weighted punching and kicking (any combo's)
10 press-ups and sit-ups
3 min round of weighted punching and kicking (any combo's)
10 press-ups and sit-ups
BAG WORK
3 min intensive round of kicking left and right (any combo's)
10 press-ups and sit-ups
3 min intensive round of punching left and right (any combo's)
10 press-ups and sit-ups
3 min intensive round of punching left and right (any combo's)
10 press-ups and sit-ups
Lunges
20/30KG 50
25 each leg.
Clean and Jerk
3 sets of 10 of 60% best weight
Bench press
3 sets of 10 of 60% best weight
Curl
3 sets of 10 of 60% best weight
Drink water, eat some fruit, well done....Enjoy your weekend! |
